Nearly 2 months have passed since I found my feet firmly planted back on American soil. After 10 weeks in East Africa I wasn’t sure what to expect in my transition back. There were pieces I figured would be challenging, such as the distance between my heart here and my heart there. I missed, and still miss, the people my heart connected with. That challenge wasn’t a surprise to me.
There were, however, many challenges that caught me off guard.
The first, was how difficult it simply was to be back. I found, and still find myself, struggling to use the word “home” because I am simply not sure where home is anymore. There is the commonly spoken phrase: “home is where the heart is”. Yet, what if your heart is in multiple places? Pieces of my heart are now in Minnesota, Rwanda, Tanzania, and Uganda. So where exactly is my home? I can only label my “home” as where I will one day find myself beside my Father in Heaven. There my heart will be whole again. It will find itself put back together in one place. Until that time comes, I choose to not use the word home. I recently heard the term passport country used instead for people who found themselves asking the same question: where is home?
Another challenge I discovered was how easy it was for me to compare my transition with others’. The truth is, being back was incredibly difficult. I found myself buying a lie that since I was only gone for 10 weeks I shouldn’t be struggling that much. I reminded myself of others who were gone for longer periods of time and in that downplayed my struggle. I began to suppress my feelings, because I didn’t think they should be there. After all, I wasn’t gone THAT long.
What God would come to reveal to me was that the amount of time a person is abroad doesn’t determine how much actually happens. Some people could be gone for two weeks and experience the depth of change I experienced. Others could be gone for two years and in that time frame experience the amount of change I had. The number of days between my feet leaving American soil and returning to it, didn’t matter as much as what actually happened during those days.
The truth was A LOT happened in those 10 weeks. I became a drastically different person. Internally, much happened. I became a fighter and a risk taker. I grew into the person God designed me to be since the day I was born. On top of that the level of trust I had in God changed drastically. My relationship with God had strengthened in ways I am not sure I would have allowed them to grow if I were to stay here.
Externally things had also changed. The visions, dreams, and plans I had for my future were slightly different. While my vision for going to Rwanda was to do ministry, I didn’t know what that would look like. I didn’t expect to come home with a ministry I was stepping out into laying the groundwork for building. I didn’t expect to come home to immerse myself into the world of starting a non-profit. Also, I had relational changes that occurred which significantly affected not only my mindset, but my future.
The me that stepped on that plane on June 23rd to travel to Rwanda was not the me who stepped off that plane in Minnesota on September 7th.
I knew I was coming back a different person. What I didn’t know was how hard that was going to be. The question I am continuing to try and find the answer to is: how do I fit the new me into an old life? Overall, my life here didn’t change. I returned to much the same circumstances as I had left. Now, that’s not all bad. Oh, returning to my family and community that hadn’t changed that much was a massive blessing. Big picture, though, it has been hard to transition back into a life that hadn’t changed.
The best way I can describe that struggle is that I left my comfort zone only to return to find that zone no longer comfortable. It wasn’t because of the people around me. It was because of who I am now. I had tasted life outside of that comfort zone and it was beautiful. Outside, I had become the person God had designed me to be. I had learned to lean hard on Jesus because it was all I had. I learned to take risks, because I had no other option. I learned to fight for who I was, learning to stand up for myself. I had my eyes opened to my attachment to money and the need for me to surrender my finances to Him.
My eyes had been opened to what it was like outside my comfortable world here in Minnesota. When you see and experience what life is like outside your comfort zone you find it incredibly challenging to return to it.
So, how do I still be that risk taking, surrendering, fighting, truster of Jesus I was, outside my comfort zone in Africa, here in Minnesota?
Well, I am still trying to figure that out.
I have found it is really easy to retreat back into the person I was before. I have found myself battling similar battles of fear as I had before I left, despite learning to lean on Jesus when fear arose while in East Africa. I have found myself battling “was it all a dream” because at times I feel like the same person I was. In those moments, I return to the pictures and memories. I remember it is possible for me to fight my fears. I remember the moments God revealed to me his trustworthiness and remember I can lean hard into him.
Being back has found me facing challenges I never expected to face. Yet, I’ve tasted the sweetness of God’s Kingdom and that forever changes you. I’ve tasted the sweetness of not letting Satan strangle you with chains of fear. That sweetness is still lingering in my mouth and I want more of it. It isn’t a matter of that sweetness only being found in Africa. It is found outside your comfort zone, wherever that is. I simply need to figure out how to step outside my comfort zone here in a city and community I have comfortably nestled myself into.
I would love to also challenge you to step out of your zone of comfort. It is scary. Oh how I know that to be true. Yet, I would encourage you to find that boundary between your comfort zone and everything on the outside of it. Straddle the line for a little bit if you need to, but I promise you once you find yourself outside for a period of time you won't want to return to it. Because outside of it you discover who you were made to be and that, my friends, is a discovery you never want to lose!
